Unfortunately, ignoring your own needs devalues your own life. Think about on an airplane, when they go over safety the flight attendant makes a point that if the oxygen masks drop and you have your child with you, put your mask on first so you can help your child. Otherwise, you will run out of oxygen and risk losing yourself and your child. This is analogous with taking care of your own mental, physical, and other needs. If you cannot take care of yourself, it is more difficult to care for another. Below are 5 signs you may be in a codependent relationship.
- The need to be needed.
This can be characterized in many ways. For some people, they want their partner to need help from them either financially, emotionally, or other needs that need to be met. Oftentimes codependent people enter a relationship where they want to “fix” another person. For example, if you intentionally pick a slightly chubby partner and intend to get to them to the gym and eating healthier. The other person may or may not want the help, but to the partner they are viewed as a project. A healthy relationship is one where the attraction is regardless of each other’s faults.
- Feeling like you cannot live without the other person.
Everyone has their own timelines for increased involvement in each other’s lives. Codependent people typically move unusually fast in their relationship and quickly feel their life would fall apart if they were no longer in a relationship with their partner. A healthy individual is secure in their independence and make a choice to share their life with another. Research shows people who are confident in their existence handle a breakup more effectively than people with insecure attachments.
- Ignoring red flags of an unhealthy relationship.
Part of dating is learning what characteristics you enjoy and dislike in a partner. An ideal outcome would be finding a partner that is most compatible with you and willing to grow and change together. Codependent people often ignore traits in their relationship that would normally make one run for the hills. A good example of this is a partner wanting to know where you are and what you are doing every minute of every day. Some people will even become upset when texts are not immediately returned or the phone is not answered. Ignoring these red flags can potentially lead to an abusive relationship.
- Your self-worth is based on approval of the other person.
High self-worth and self-esteem is correlated with high satisfaction in life. In a codependent relationship one or both partners constantly seek the approval of their partner to make them feel good. This can manifest in a variety of ways. One example of this is a person dressing up for their partner and wanting their approval on their appearance. Conversely, most people who dress up take pride in their appearance do not seek the approval of others to be confident. Many people with low self-esteem go beyond a relationship with another person and seek the approval of their “followers” online. Some girls constantly post selfies and check how many likes they get. The more likes, the higher the self-esteem. Without likes, the person may fall down the rabbit hole of how much they hate themselves.
- Putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own.
A codependent relationship can develop into a caregiver relationship. Some individuals find themselves unintentionally enabling their partners drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility or under achievement. Seeing your partner fail continues the cycle of being able to pick them up and help them again. A healthy relationship consists of each person making sure their own needs are met, and as I said before, sharing their life.
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