I recently learned that not everyone has an internal dialogue. Take a second to close your eyes and mentally say something. If you are able to do this, it is likely you engage in self talk whether you are mindful of it or not. I stress the importance of treating oneself with grace and rewarding inner successes. One of the methods of rewarding ourselves is positive affirmation. How does one do that if you don’t know what you say to yourself? This post will go over three types of internal dialogue and discuss their importance. 

Neutral Self Talk: This can be along the lines of chit chat if you were talking to another person. It can be helpful in problem solving or entertaining oneself. This can also be a place where nonjudgmentalness (a mindfulness skill) is practiced. An example of a neutral thought is, “The sky is blue”. It just is, not good or bad, it just exists and appears blue. A neutral thought can unintentionally trigger either unhelpful or helpful self talk. For instance if the sky being blue was always paired with having to go mow the lawn, a person’s next thought might be “ugh, blue sky means work, and work…” You get the idea. 

Unhelpful Self Talk: There are a myriad of ways people portray unhelpful self talk in movies, TV, books, and journals. I have heard it called negative self talk, the “critic”, or the “problem”. The movie Inside Out integrates the emotional aspects of thinking through things in a beautiful manner. I highly recommend everyone watch it, not just a kid movie. Some people will even personify their diagnosis to separate the depressive/anxious thoughts that are unhelpful. The reason I say unhelpful over other terms is because I do not see any thoughts as inherently “good” or “bad”. I see the important part being how one responds to their thoughts/feelings that pop up. For instance, if you got a low (not bad, a C is not bad) grade on a paper a thought might pop up saying “you’re stupid”. The reality might be that you didn’t study or that you need more help with the material. Either way, the reality is neither good or bad so we call this unhelpful thought a “cognitive distortion” also known as twisted thoughts or “stinkin thinkin.” Cognitive behavioral therapy can help change unhelpful thinking patterns through cognitive restructuring; all that just means a therapist can help teach you how to be nice to yourself. 

Helpful Self Talk: As it sounds, this is helpful! That means it serves a purpose and can guide wise decision making. Another name I hear often instead of helpful self talk is “positive,” but again that to me implies judgment. The idea behind this type of self talk is to activate that front part (medial prefrontal cortex) of the brain who sends signals to other parts of the brain. One really important place the front of the brain sends messages is to that guy in the back (amygdala) to help calm down the body (assisting in activating the parasympathetic nervous system). When I say helpful I don’t just mean cheerleading though, helpful self talk can also be pragmatic. The balance of emotional reasoning and rational logic is how we make wise decisions. An example of a cheerleading helpful thought is “I got this,” which can be reassuring in a time of uncertainty. Another helpful thought is “I failed that test, I know I didn’t study and I don’t like this feeling so I will study next time.” That uncomfortable feeling might be guilt over breaking one’s own rule that studying is helpful. Although this thought example was paired with a uncomfortable feeling, it is still a helpful thought that motivates a good choice for the next exam. 

I could go on for days about challenging those automatic unhelpful thoughts and replacing with more helpful and productive thoughts but I will save that for my clients. While self care is an important concept (in another blog post), as the title of this post suggests, it is helpful to also have a conversation with a part of yourself you may not have met. If I just introduced you to yourself, that is wonderful! Enjoy your internal dialogue and squish those unhelpful thoughts when they pop up.