Inconsiderate is defined, according to the Oxford dictionary on Google, as “thoughtlessly causing hurt or inconvenience to others.” Many folks just refer to inconsiderate folks as “idiots” or some other words with a derogatory connotation. I also hear people ‘should’ on others to “do the right thing”. My intention with this post is to provide a few alternatives, not necessarily conflict resolution but more along the lines of regulating one’s own intense emotions when finding oneself face to face with an a** who thinks it’s okay to hit someone’s ankle repeatedly with their shopping cart or other inconsiderate acts. I also see all kinds of videos with altercations over the mask situation. Here we go:
1. Empathy
Being vulnerable with people can create a sense of fear the same as if a friggin tiger was chasing us. So be patient with yourself if empathy sounds like the absolute last thing you would want to do around an inconsiderate f*ckhead acting like a buttface miscreant. That being said, it is the power of vulnerability that absolves me from emotional distress around folks being what I perceive as inconsiderate. What I do is acknowledge the other person’s pain, remind myself they are human, remind myself I am human, and then respond as calmly and kindly as I can muster. Sometimes I’ll focus on only communicating to the other person what is true, kind, and necessary. Does it always go smoothly? No, but then we learn and adjust. When practicing staying present and intending a helpful response, it becomes easier to respond with empathy and challenge the stories we tell ourselves so they don’t control how we act.
2. Radical Acceptance
This is a concept I learned from reading Marsha Linehan’s work. My understanding is basically that by wholly and completely accepting things exactly as they are, no matter how uncomfortable the anticipation may feel, people actually find relief from the more distressing emotions. If we look through the lens of thoughts, feelings, and sensations fueling some sort of action then once the body and mind agree that nothing needs to be done right now, the suffering disappears. One of the ways to accept things is to simply notice when the mind is attempting to fight reality without thoughts such as, “that shouldn’t have happened,” “they shouldn’t have…” or other unhelpful thoughts sometimes referred to as mental time travel. Radical acceptance helps to stay in the moment, which is very necessary when dealing with an inconsiderate person.
3. Consult the Amygdala
I sometimes refer to this part of my brain as the little b* in the back of my mind. The more intense an emotion, the more impaired pragmatic thinking becomes. Two helpful ways to quickly alleviate the surge of hormones is self-talk and respiration. By reminding oneself what is going on in the moment and taking slow long breaths, the intensity will reduce. If you are wondering, well why do I need to calm down when they are the one being a donkey?! Well, because unless there is an actual and imminent threat to one’s life, then the amygdala’s natural response is pretty useless.
As the title indicates, these are some ways to cope with inconsiderate people. Doing some research on conflict resolution strategies may also be helpful but that’s a different topic for another time. Coping as I understand it is dealing with something difficult, basically a band aid for right now, not a long term solution. Often the easiest way to deal with an inconsiderate random stranger is simply to exit the situation as quickly as possible, even if that means the donkey thinks they won. That is definitely easier said than done because most people just want to be heard and respected in some type of way. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to be nice to everyone all the time and that stinks but that’s the current state of things as I understand for now. Comment with your favorite self regulation strategies you use to cope.
