Special thanks to my friend Catherine McConnell who wrote this article. With over 10 years experience, she specializes in treating severe trauma and emotional and psychological issues affecting residents of the Arlington, Texas area.
Domestic Violence is a well-known topic that affects all kinds of relationships. What is not well known, however, is just how often this happens in non-heterosexual populations. We do know that this is the third most serious health problem affecting gay men today behind HIV/AIDS and substance abuse. The reason this is a worrisome statement is that we know that this issue is severely underreported. There are a lot of reasons for this: Research is primarily focused on normative heterosexual relationships and funding is sparse for the study of “special populations.” In many areas there can be an anti-LGBTQ bias- several states do not protect homosexual partners under their domestic laws, and even then they only protect live in partners; Domestic Violence shelters are usually geared towards females; which can limit access for transgender populations; And perhaps most damning of all: Those in LGBTQ populations often do not want to report because they do not want to impact the progress made towards acceptance of these relationships.
For the sake of simplicity I’m going to assume that most are familiar with the broad categories of domestic violence: physical violence (putting hands on another person in any form), emotional abuse (name-calling, dismantling self esteem, isolating a partner from social support), and sexual abuse (coerced sexual contact or unwanted sexual contact of any kind). However, there are some forms of domestic abuse that are very specific to LGBTQ relationships:
- “Outing” or threatening to out a partner who is not ready to admit their sexual orientation to others
- Playing on fears that nobody will help because the person is bisexual, gay, or transgender
- Defining for your partner that they “deserve” the abuse because of their sexual orientation
- Justifying the abuse because your partner is “not really” gay or bisexual
- Telling the partner that this is a normal part of a LGBTQ relationship
- Making the abuse appear as mutual or consensual (this does not include truly consensual S&M relationships)
- Using offensive pronouns such as “shim” or “it” to refer to a transgender partner
- Ridiculing a transgender partner’s appearance or body, or implying that a partner is “not really” transgender
- Telling your partner that he/she is “not really” a man/woman
- Denying access to medical treatment or hormones
It can be embarrassing for anyone to admit that they are being abused, but in a world where these relationships still have a stigma about them it can be almost impossible to muster the courage to report these kind of difficulties.
There are several reasons that the LGBTQ population is at higher risk for these problems. There is such a stigma in this population already that it can be difficult to report something that may create more. This is referred to as the “double closet”- having to hide both and LGBTQ orientation and domestic violence. There are similar barriers to reporting in heterosexual relationships as well: low self esteem, not being taken seriously by authorities, isolation from family, and lack of support from others who would rather not get involved.
It’s important that this problem is acknowledged, and treated, in every community. Regardless of your sexual orientation, you do not deserve to be abused. The mental health community is working every day to educate ourselves and to be allies for all kinds of relationships. If you think that you are being abused please do not hesitate to reach out.
Learn more about Catherine McConnell by visiting her website: http://catherinemcounseling.com/
