Tag Archives: relationships

3 Ways Childhood Trauma Can Impact Adult Relationships

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The effects of trauma may continue into adult lives and relationships with others. Trauma survivors often have abandonment issues and do not believe anyone can really be trusted. People sometimes think of themselves as not being worthy of an intimate and compassionate relationship. These beliefs can have an impact on their adult relationships through the rest of their life. Conversely, by recognizing these cognitive distortions, healing can occur. Trauma survivors are not irreparably doomed by their past but they can be affected by their past in ways that may not be apparent. Continue reading

Domestic Violence in LGBTQ Relationships

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Special thanks to my friend Catherine McConnell who wrote this article. With over 10 years experience, she specializes in treating severe trauma and emotional and psychological issues affecting residents of the Arlington, Texas area.

Domestic Violence is a well-known topic that affects all kinds of relationships. What is not well known, however, is just how often this happens in non-heterosexual populations. We do know that this is the third most serious health problem affecting gay men today behind HIV/AIDS and substance abuse. The reason this is a worrisome statement is that we know that this issue is severely underreported. There are a lot of reasons for this: Research is primarily focused on normative heterosexual relationships and funding is sparse for the study of “special populations.” In many areas there can be an anti-LGBTQ bias- several states do not protect homosexual partners under their domestic laws, and even then they only protect live in partners; Domestic Violence shelters are usually geared towards females; which can limit access for transgender populations; And perhaps most damning of all: Those in LGBTQ populations often do not want to report because they do not want to impact the progress made towards acceptance of these relationships.

For the sake of simplicity I’m going to assume that most are familiar with the broad categories of domestic violence: physical violence (putting hands on another person in any form), emotional abuse (name-calling, dismantling self esteem, isolating a partner from social support), and sexual abuse (coerced sexual contact or unwanted sexual contact of any kind). However, there are some forms of domestic abuse that are very specific to LGBTQ relationships:

  • “Outing” or threatening to out a partner who is not ready to admit their sexual orientation to others
  • Playing on fears that nobody will help because the person is bisexual, gay, or transgender
  • Defining for your partner that they “deserve” the abuse because of their sexual orientation
  • Justifying the abuse because your partner is “not really” gay or bisexual
  • Telling the partner that this is a normal part of a LGBTQ relationship
  • Making the abuse appear as mutual or consensual (this does not include truly consensual S&M relationships)
  • Using offensive pronouns such as “shim” or “it” to refer to a transgender partner
  • Ridiculing a transgender partner’s appearance or body, or implying that a partner is “not really” transgender
  • Telling your partner that he/she is “not really” a man/woman
  • Denying access to medical treatment or hormones

It can be embarrassing for anyone to admit that they are being abused, but in a world where these relationships still have a stigma about them it can be almost impossible to muster the courage to report these kind of difficulties.

There are several reasons that the LGBTQ population is at higher risk for these problems. There is such a stigma in this population already that it can be difficult to report something that may create more. This is referred to as the “double closet”- having to hide both and LGBTQ orientation and domestic violence. There are similar barriers to reporting in heterosexual relationships as well: low self esteem, not being taken seriously by authorities, isolation from family, and lack of support from others who would rather not get involved.

It’s important that this problem is acknowledged, and treated, in every community. Regardless of your sexual orientation, you do not deserve to be abused.  The mental health community is working every day to educate ourselves and to be allies for all kinds of relationships. If you think that you are being abused please do not hesitate to reach out.

Learn more about Catherine McConnell by visiting her website: http://catherinemcounseling.com/

Dual Relationships in Counseling

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There are variations on dual relationships that can occur between counselors and consumers. The gray area is often called boundary crossings rather than boundary violations. The code of ethics a counselor follows acknowledges dual relationships can be mutually beneficial or harmful. A harmless interaction may occur in a small town where your kids go to the same school and you run into each other at pick up time. A clearly harmful dual relationship is a sexual relationship between a clinician and client. A good rule of thumb to live by before entering any ethical dual relationship is to proceed with caution, consult others, and review ethical guidelines. Always make sure informed consent is also reviewed prior to a change in the therapeutic relationship. For example, if a client invites you to see them perform in a play, is it okay to go? The answer is yes, buuuut, you must be clear on boundaries with the consumer. You are not attending as a friend and therefore should not engage in any violations of previously set boundaries, more specifically, it is not okay to carpool to the event or to go out for drinks afterwards. The types of dual relationships include social, professional, treatment-professional, business, communal, institutional, forensic, supervisory, sexual, internet, and the very rare adoption. Many dual relationships are easily avoidable and even easier to avoid in large metropolitan areas. The three we will focus on are professional, communal, and on the internet. In the next few posts, they will be defined, then guidelines for ethical dual relationships will be addressed, and finally a case example will be presented and ethical considerations are up for discussion.

Mental Health After A Break Up

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Ordinary misery is something Freud defined as a regular part of a the human condition. Since even before psychology was an official concept, humans have tried to understand the tragedy of a broken heart. Shakespeare went so far as to depict two in love that could not live without one another. Similar stories of elderly dying on the same day as their spouse have been told. Romantic relationships are a key component to the human existence and can be a wonderful way to share your life with another person.

 

A study done by Rhoades (et al.) in 2011 followed surveyed over 400 people and found “more psychological distress and lower life satisfaction following a break-up compared to when they remained in the same relationship.” The study also determined the more intertwined a couples’ life is, the more distress they will have should the relationship end. The most important finding in my opinion was the result that the quality of the relationship was found to affect life satisfaction following a break up.

 

The best predictors for whether a decline in mental health will occur following a break up is largely based on the individual’s preexisting conditions as well as their attachment to their partner. For individuals preparing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, it is important to make sure there are healthy boundaries and good communication. This will reduce the possibility of divorce and reduce the number of heartbroken individuals in our community. I encourage all engaged couples to seek counsel, either from their ministry or local clinician, to make sure the major issues are discussed prior to marriage.