Sometimes saying ‘no’ can be the most difficult thing a person does…and sometimes ‘no’ is a complete sentence. I think of boundaries like a colander except with a bunch of flexible holes. Those holes can expand and let people in, or contract and close people out. Healthy boundaries are not rigid or inflexible. When we put up walls and call it a strong boundary…sometimes we set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy, whatever that prophecy may be. So how do you know if you have problems setting or keeping boundaries? There’s a few different things to look at and today I’ll go over a few.
A sign that it may be helpful to set a boundary is If you find yourself experiencing a great deal of annoyance, disrespect, and/or resentment. That’s the emotional side. On the cognitive side, maybe you find yourself “shoulding” on others. Such as, “they shouldn’t be asking” or “they should know how much I’ve already done”.
A warning sign of a poor boundary is an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for others. Of course we do have responsibilities in life and parents especially. What I mean is where the way other people think and feel is up to you. You might feel guilty and anxious pretty regularly and just not at peace because someone’s always got a fire to extinguish. Perhaps there is even the thought, “If I don’t, no one will,” which depending on the context may or may not be true. Just because something could be true…doesn’t mean it is going to come to fruition.
Feeling exhausted all the time may be familiar to many, but I don’t mean parent-tired or work-stressed. I mean when you put all of your needs on the back burner to where all of your energy goes into others. I have noticed some common needs that get neglected are sleep, nutrition and fitness. These are basic needs for living a long and healthy life. If you’re not getting enough time to eat, adequate nutrition, enough sleep, or a chance to breathe…consider drawing a boundary that might be helpful. Remember, you reserve the right to change your mind.
Difficulties in making decisions for oneself is a big sign to consider setting a boundary. I like to identify what I need to alleviate any inaccurate guilt that may arise from setting a boundary. For example, when I need privacy because I’m with a client, I close my office door. That’s a physical boundary. Emotional boundaries can be trickier but equally as helpful. Making decisions can feel emotionally draining or exhausting, it can also make you question your own likes and dislikes. If we make decisions based on what other people might think….we may have difficulty making decisions based on our own needs, wants, and preferences.
Maybe you absolutely despise or hate letting other people down. This may mean you often go along with other people’s plans even if you are not interested in participating. Maybe you’re on a board you’d rather not attend meetings for, agree to go eat at restaurants that don’t accommodate your dietary needs, or pick up every shift you’re asked to cover because being unavailable does not appear as an option.
If any of this resonates with you, do some research on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Here are some resources I’ve worked with in the past; comment with any you’ve taken insight from!
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life: Cloud,
Henry, Townsend
Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: how to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself (1st Harper & Row ed.). Harper/Hazelden.
Boundaries : where you end and I begin ; Author: Anne Katherine ; Edition: View all formats and editions ; Publisher: MJF Books, New York, ©1991.
