Category Archives: Couseling and Recovery

Five Signs of a Codependent Relationship

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Unfortunately, ignoring your own needs devalues your own life. Think about on an airplane, when they go over safety the flight attendant makes a point that if the oxygen masks drop and you have your child with you, put your mask on first so you can help your child. Otherwise, you will run out of oxygen and risk losing yourself and your child. This is analogous with taking care of your own mental, physical, and other needs. If you cannot take care of yourself, it is more difficult to care for another. Below are 5 signs you may be in a codependent relationship. Continue reading

Self-Harm: Benefits and Consequences

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  • Types of self-harm.

Socially acceptable forms of self-harm include tattoos and piercings. There is an entire community that enjoys hanging from hooks and testing their body’s pain tolerance. What typically comes to mind when one hears self-harm nowadays is cutting. There are more ways to hurt yourself than cutting. Other types of self-harm include punching yourself, punching walls, bruising with objects, pricking with sharp objects, starving, binging, and substance abuse. Continue reading

Anxiety & Depression in LGBT Dating

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Mental health is a factor in any relationship. To have a healthy relationship, it is important to be aware of some of the pitfalls that can occur. This post is specifically for LGBT relationships but some concepts may be applicable to any dating couple. The LGBT community faces additional hardships in relationships due to the societal implications of being open about one’s sexual orientation. A concept which one day should not matter, in today’s dating world there are things to be discussed regarding anxiety and depression within an LGBT relationship. Continue reading

My First Year of Private Practice

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My first year of private practice has been an exciting journey. I have succeeded in some areas, failed in others, and had fun doing it all. Below are my experiences in seven different areas of developing my business. Today I have a giant office, a beautiful view of downtown Tulsa, financial stability, and work on my own schedule. Continue reading

3 Tips for Depression

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  1. Positive Self-talk

How we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on how we perceive the rest of the world. One common symptom of depression is being very negative in our heads. Imagine waking up in the morning and your first few thoughts include “ugh, I have to get up…I have to go to work…I hate my job…today is going to suck.” These are perceptions of your life. You might have your dream job, but when depression hits, the ability to get out of bed becomes the hardest thing you do all day. Continue reading

3 Ways Childhood Trauma Can Impact Adult Relationships

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The effects of trauma may continue into adult lives and relationships with others. Trauma survivors often have abandonment issues and do not believe anyone can really be trusted. People sometimes think of themselves as not being worthy of an intimate and compassionate relationship. These beliefs can have an impact on their adult relationships through the rest of their life. Conversely, by recognizing these cognitive distortions, healing can occur. Trauma survivors are not irreparably doomed by their past but they can be affected by their past in ways that may not be apparent. Continue reading

Three Tips: Keeping a Relationship Strong in an Untraditional Living Situation

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Whether it is a multigenerational home, a friend or other relative living in the home, many families have chosen untraditional living situations. The traditional family consists of two parents and their children. Becoming more commonplace is additional individuals in the home. The biggest factor that comes to mind for living this way is finances. Either one or both families under the same roof may benefit from additional contributions to household bills. Another reason may just be wanting to be close to loved ones you would normally see infrequently if living apart. My family is a good example, I live with my sister, her fiancé, and their son. Living with a third party may impact your relationship, but there are ways to keep your relationship thriving despite the decreased privacy and increased mouths to feed.

  1. Quality Time

    Having another person living under the same roof may mean less one on one time with your partner. It is essential to carve out time for just the two of you where you can keep the romance of your relationship strong. By romance I do not mean just in the bedroom. Going to dinner, seeing a movie, and going for a walk can all be ways to maintain romance in a relationship. The extra person in the home may even be to your benefit if you have children and they are willing to babysit while you have quality time with your partner.

  2. Appreciation

    The hustle and bustle of life can normally lead to forgetfulness in showing appreciation in any relationship. Living with another person or persons in the home can shift the focus of many families to logistics of everyday life. It is important to take the time to express to your partner that you are grateful for their acts of service, patience, and affirm your love for one another.

  3. Communication

    The ability to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner is paramount for all relationships. Communication can oftentimes make or break a relationship. Picking your battles is a common phrase used to describe little conflicts in relationships. However, letting little things pile up can lead to resentments and fuel for future arguments. A good rule of thumb in arguing is if you argue for more than ten minutes then you are no longer discussing the original issue. Remaining calm in disagreements and using “I” statements can facilitate productive conversations.

Transitioning from Cohabitation to Marriage

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More and more people are living together nowadays prior to getting married. The commitment of living together is not one to be taken lightly. The decision says you are on the track to spending the rest of your lives together but may not be ready to fully merge your lives entirely. It is essential that both partners be on the same page about cohabitating. For instance, whether it will lead to marriage or not. The chances of having a successful relationship whether living together or not, is to have conversations early in the relationship about expectations. Unfortunately, many couples skip this step and go from sleepovers to living together without having the important discussions.

Let’s assume you and your partner have communicated effectively, lived together for an agreed upon amount of time, and are ready to make the commitment of marriage. What does this mean for the relationship? Well it differs for everyone. Oftentimes finances have remained separate in living together and may merge in a marital relationship. Another aspect of a relationship that can change is child rearing. If one person has a child and was making most parental decisions and discipline techniques, marriage may mean each person has equal parental authority.

Motivations of getting married after living together should be discussed. Is the institution of marriage something both people value or is it just the thing you are “supposed” to do? Values and morals must be communicated to ensure both individuals are clear on “deal breakers”. A deal breaker is something one cannot get past and will surely end the relationship. One concept of marriage is that through anything the couple will prevail. The high divorce rate in our society indicates more and more “irreconcilable differences”.

The fear of losing a loved one of several years can prevent people from having the necessary conversations that come prior to marriage. Conversations about child rearing, religion, finances, career goals, household expectation, and sexual expectations can make or break a relationship. Personally I would rather know prior to cohabitation that these are compatible areas of life. However, if you have already entered into a cohabitating relationship, then by talking about life you can strengthen your relationship. If it ends the relationship, then it wasn’t meant to be.

If you are unsure how to begin discussions with your partner, consider premarital counseling. Having a third party facilitate communication can strengthen the bond between a couple and increase the likelihood of a lifelong marriage.

Three Relaxation Techniques That Can Smooth a Transition in Life

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It is your first day at your new job. You walk in and get introduced to everyone in the office, knowing you will not remember their names. The boss shows you to your work area and you see the plain, empty desk ready to be piled with mountains of work. Within the first week you are already swamped and worried about asking too many questions. You begin to question your fitness for this job. Maybe even start questioning your chosen career field.

Don’t let this be you. By using three simple relaxation techniques, you can eliminate a mountain of stress in your new job. Any big change is going to be stressful, but how you respond to that stress can make or break you.

1.     Take three deep breathes.

Deep breathing is what I hear a lot of exasperated sighs about. People say “it doesn’t work for me” or “it makes it worse.” If that is the case, then it is not being done correctly. When you take a proper diaphragmatic breath, you stomach should expand more than your chest and contract when you release. I will not get into the nerve your diaphragm wall presses on or the chemical reactions in the brain, but this is a biological process. This is not hocus pocus or hippie breathing. Deep breathing and counting can smooth those hectic first few weeks at a new and demanding job.

2.     Go for a walk.

This is another biological process as well as a psychological one. Simply removing yourself from your surroundings allows you to regroup your thoughts and get focused for the next task. Whether you walk around the office or run up and down the stairs, your breathing will change, your thoughts will change, and your stress will lower.

3.     Bring your favorite scent to work.

Our brains respond to certain scents and can evoke an emotional response. In a high stress environment, bringing in your favorite smell can activate your calming response and lead to a relaxing and peaceful workplace. I usually do this in the form of lotion. It does not have to be an overpowering smell that the person across the hall can taste, just something subtle that you notice and brings a smile to your face.

Domestic Violence in LGBTQ Relationships

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Special thanks to my friend Catherine McConnell who wrote this article. With over 10 years experience, she specializes in treating severe trauma and emotional and psychological issues affecting residents of the Arlington, Texas area.

Domestic Violence is a well-known topic that affects all kinds of relationships. What is not well known, however, is just how often this happens in non-heterosexual populations. We do know that this is the third most serious health problem affecting gay men today behind HIV/AIDS and substance abuse. The reason this is a worrisome statement is that we know that this issue is severely underreported. There are a lot of reasons for this: Research is primarily focused on normative heterosexual relationships and funding is sparse for the study of “special populations.” In many areas there can be an anti-LGBTQ bias- several states do not protect homosexual partners under their domestic laws, and even then they only protect live in partners; Domestic Violence shelters are usually geared towards females; which can limit access for transgender populations; And perhaps most damning of all: Those in LGBTQ populations often do not want to report because they do not want to impact the progress made towards acceptance of these relationships.

For the sake of simplicity I’m going to assume that most are familiar with the broad categories of domestic violence: physical violence (putting hands on another person in any form), emotional abuse (name-calling, dismantling self esteem, isolating a partner from social support), and sexual abuse (coerced sexual contact or unwanted sexual contact of any kind). However, there are some forms of domestic abuse that are very specific to LGBTQ relationships:

  • “Outing” or threatening to out a partner who is not ready to admit their sexual orientation to others
  • Playing on fears that nobody will help because the person is bisexual, gay, or transgender
  • Defining for your partner that they “deserve” the abuse because of their sexual orientation
  • Justifying the abuse because your partner is “not really” gay or bisexual
  • Telling the partner that this is a normal part of a LGBTQ relationship
  • Making the abuse appear as mutual or consensual (this does not include truly consensual S&M relationships)
  • Using offensive pronouns such as “shim” or “it” to refer to a transgender partner
  • Ridiculing a transgender partner’s appearance or body, or implying that a partner is “not really” transgender
  • Telling your partner that he/she is “not really” a man/woman
  • Denying access to medical treatment or hormones

It can be embarrassing for anyone to admit that they are being abused, but in a world where these relationships still have a stigma about them it can be almost impossible to muster the courage to report these kind of difficulties.

There are several reasons that the LGBTQ population is at higher risk for these problems. There is such a stigma in this population already that it can be difficult to report something that may create more. This is referred to as the “double closet”- having to hide both and LGBTQ orientation and domestic violence. There are similar barriers to reporting in heterosexual relationships as well: low self esteem, not being taken seriously by authorities, isolation from family, and lack of support from others who would rather not get involved.

It’s important that this problem is acknowledged, and treated, in every community. Regardless of your sexual orientation, you do not deserve to be abused.  The mental health community is working every day to educate ourselves and to be allies for all kinds of relationships. If you think that you are being abused please do not hesitate to reach out.

Learn more about Catherine McConnell by visiting her website: http://catherinemcounseling.com/