Category Archives: Uncategorized

Transitioning from Cohabitation to Marriage

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More and more people are living together nowadays prior to getting married. The commitment of living together is not one to be taken lightly. The decision says you are on the track to spending the rest of your lives together but may not be ready to fully merge your lives entirely. It is essential that both partners be on the same page about cohabitating. For instance, whether it will lead to marriage or not. The chances of having a successful relationship whether living together or not, is to have conversations early in the relationship about expectations. Unfortunately, many couples skip this step and go from sleepovers to living together without having the important discussions.

Let’s assume you and your partner have communicated effectively, lived together for an agreed upon amount of time, and are ready to make the commitment of marriage. What does this mean for the relationship? Well it differs for everyone. Oftentimes finances have remained separate in living together and may merge in a marital relationship. Another aspect of a relationship that can change is child rearing. If one person has a child and was making most parental decisions and discipline techniques, marriage may mean each person has equal parental authority.

Motivations of getting married after living together should be discussed. Is the institution of marriage something both people value or is it just the thing you are “supposed” to do? Values and morals must be communicated to ensure both individuals are clear on “deal breakers”. A deal breaker is something one cannot get past and will surely end the relationship. One concept of marriage is that through anything the couple will prevail. The high divorce rate in our society indicates more and more “irreconcilable differences”.

The fear of losing a loved one of several years can prevent people from having the necessary conversations that come prior to marriage. Conversations about child rearing, religion, finances, career goals, household expectation, and sexual expectations can make or break a relationship. Personally I would rather know prior to cohabitation that these are compatible areas of life. However, if you have already entered into a cohabitating relationship, then by talking about life you can strengthen your relationship. If it ends the relationship, then it wasn’t meant to be.

If you are unsure how to begin discussions with your partner, consider premarital counseling. Having a third party facilitate communication can strengthen the bond between a couple and increase the likelihood of a lifelong marriage.

Three Relaxation Techniques That Can Smooth a Transition in Life

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It is your first day at your new job. You walk in and get introduced to everyone in the office, knowing you will not remember their names. The boss shows you to your work area and you see the plain, empty desk ready to be piled with mountains of work. Within the first week you are already swamped and worried about asking too many questions. You begin to question your fitness for this job. Maybe even start questioning your chosen career field.

Don’t let this be you. By using three simple relaxation techniques, you can eliminate a mountain of stress in your new job. Any big change is going to be stressful, but how you respond to that stress can make or break you.

1.     Take three deep breathes.

Deep breathing is what I hear a lot of exasperated sighs about. People say “it doesn’t work for me” or “it makes it worse.” If that is the case, then it is not being done correctly. When you take a proper diaphragmatic breath, you stomach should expand more than your chest and contract when you release. I will not get into the nerve your diaphragm wall presses on or the chemical reactions in the brain, but this is a biological process. This is not hocus pocus or hippie breathing. Deep breathing and counting can smooth those hectic first few weeks at a new and demanding job.

2.     Go for a walk.

This is another biological process as well as a psychological one. Simply removing yourself from your surroundings allows you to regroup your thoughts and get focused for the next task. Whether you walk around the office or run up and down the stairs, your breathing will change, your thoughts will change, and your stress will lower.

3.     Bring your favorite scent to work.

Our brains respond to certain scents and can evoke an emotional response. In a high stress environment, bringing in your favorite smell can activate your calming response and lead to a relaxing and peaceful workplace. I usually do this in the form of lotion. It does not have to be an overpowering smell that the person across the hall can taste, just something subtle that you notice and brings a smile to your face.

Domestic Violence in LGBTQ Relationships

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Special thanks to my friend Catherine McConnell who wrote this article. With over 10 years experience, she specializes in treating severe trauma and emotional and psychological issues affecting residents of the Arlington, Texas area.

Domestic Violence is a well-known topic that affects all kinds of relationships. What is not well known, however, is just how often this happens in non-heterosexual populations. We do know that this is the third most serious health problem affecting gay men today behind HIV/AIDS and substance abuse. The reason this is a worrisome statement is that we know that this issue is severely underreported. There are a lot of reasons for this: Research is primarily focused on normative heterosexual relationships and funding is sparse for the study of “special populations.” In many areas there can be an anti-LGBTQ bias- several states do not protect homosexual partners under their domestic laws, and even then they only protect live in partners; Domestic Violence shelters are usually geared towards females; which can limit access for transgender populations; And perhaps most damning of all: Those in LGBTQ populations often do not want to report because they do not want to impact the progress made towards acceptance of these relationships.

For the sake of simplicity I’m going to assume that most are familiar with the broad categories of domestic violence: physical violence (putting hands on another person in any form), emotional abuse (name-calling, dismantling self esteem, isolating a partner from social support), and sexual abuse (coerced sexual contact or unwanted sexual contact of any kind). However, there are some forms of domestic abuse that are very specific to LGBTQ relationships:

  • “Outing” or threatening to out a partner who is not ready to admit their sexual orientation to others
  • Playing on fears that nobody will help because the person is bisexual, gay, or transgender
  • Defining for your partner that they “deserve” the abuse because of their sexual orientation
  • Justifying the abuse because your partner is “not really” gay or bisexual
  • Telling the partner that this is a normal part of a LGBTQ relationship
  • Making the abuse appear as mutual or consensual (this does not include truly consensual S&M relationships)
  • Using offensive pronouns such as “shim” or “it” to refer to a transgender partner
  • Ridiculing a transgender partner’s appearance or body, or implying that a partner is “not really” transgender
  • Telling your partner that he/she is “not really” a man/woman
  • Denying access to medical treatment or hormones

It can be embarrassing for anyone to admit that they are being abused, but in a world where these relationships still have a stigma about them it can be almost impossible to muster the courage to report these kind of difficulties.

There are several reasons that the LGBTQ population is at higher risk for these problems. There is such a stigma in this population already that it can be difficult to report something that may create more. This is referred to as the “double closet”- having to hide both and LGBTQ orientation and domestic violence. There are similar barriers to reporting in heterosexual relationships as well: low self esteem, not being taken seriously by authorities, isolation from family, and lack of support from others who would rather not get involved.

It’s important that this problem is acknowledged, and treated, in every community. Regardless of your sexual orientation, you do not deserve to be abused.  The mental health community is working every day to educate ourselves and to be allies for all kinds of relationships. If you think that you are being abused please do not hesitate to reach out.

Learn more about Catherine McConnell by visiting her website: http://catherinemcounseling.com/

To Enter Or Not To Enter A Dual Relationship

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A cautious therapist may jump to the idea that all dual relationships should be avoided. In reality, some are unavoidable, common, or even mandated. In rural areas, you may be the only clinician for miles around and one of your clients may be the only veterinarian nearby. Supervisory relationships are also unavoidable because the supervisor has multiple avenues of accountability and must serve in different capacities at different times. The small town where I did my graduate practicum was a primary example of an unavoidable dual relationship as the only repeatable therapeutic service within the community happened to be my previous counselor. Some common dual relationships occur in the communities previously mentioned. Even in a large city there may only be one chiropractor that accepts a mental health professional’s insurance and their client may be the receptionist. Mandated dual relationships typically occur in governmental or legal areas of practice. Unexpected dual relationships take place when a clinician is not initially aware that the client they have entered into a therapeutic relationship with is also in their circle of friends, begins attending the same church, or begins to “follow” the clinician online.

Professional, Communal, & Internet Dual Relationships Defined

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Professional dual relationships consist of a clinician and client are both mental health professionals and become professional colleagues either at a college, training institution, co-authoring a book, attending the same workshop, or any other situation where a the client and clinician would be considered professional colleagues. This is an important consideration when taking into account that although one may live in a metropolitan area, small communities do develop within those areas and the mental health field can sometimes feel like a small world. Communal relationships can occur for similar reasons at the professional dual relationships, birds of a feather flock together. Clinicians and consumers of similar faiths may attend the same religious institution, members of the LGBT community may run into each other at the Equality Center, or any other small community within a larger community. The internet relationship is likely the most self explanatory. Basically this means any interactions that occur online. In the ever growing world of technology, online relationships are becoming more and more prevalent in the form of emails, social media, and other professional sites such as Psychology Today. A person may find a clinician that appears beneficial on Psychology Today, click on their website and find links to Facebook or email distribution sign ups. An inadvertent way a client may initiate an online relationship is if they are already seeing you and decide to research your name. A current client may find your blog, website, or LinkedIn profile simply by typing your name into a search engine and send a request to connect.

Dual Relationships in Counseling

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There are variations on dual relationships that can occur between counselors and consumers. The gray area is often called boundary crossings rather than boundary violations. The code of ethics a counselor follows acknowledges dual relationships can be mutually beneficial or harmful. A harmless interaction may occur in a small town where your kids go to the same school and you run into each other at pick up time. A clearly harmful dual relationship is a sexual relationship between a clinician and client. A good rule of thumb to live by before entering any ethical dual relationship is to proceed with caution, consult others, and review ethical guidelines. Always make sure informed consent is also reviewed prior to a change in the therapeutic relationship. For example, if a client invites you to see them perform in a play, is it okay to go? The answer is yes, buuuut, you must be clear on boundaries with the consumer. You are not attending as a friend and therefore should not engage in any violations of previously set boundaries, more specifically, it is not okay to carpool to the event or to go out for drinks afterwards. The types of dual relationships include social, professional, treatment-professional, business, communal, institutional, forensic, supervisory, sexual, internet, and the very rare adoption. Many dual relationships are easily avoidable and even easier to avoid in large metropolitan areas. The three we will focus on are professional, communal, and on the internet. In the next few posts, they will be defined, then guidelines for ethical dual relationships will be addressed, and finally a case example will be presented and ethical considerations are up for discussion.

Mental Health After A Break Up

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Ordinary misery is something Freud defined as a regular part of a the human condition. Since even before psychology was an official concept, humans have tried to understand the tragedy of a broken heart. Shakespeare went so far as to depict two in love that could not live without one another. Similar stories of elderly dying on the same day as their spouse have been told. Romantic relationships are a key component to the human existence and can be a wonderful way to share your life with another person.

 

A study done by Rhoades (et al.) in 2011 followed surveyed over 400 people and found “more psychological distress and lower life satisfaction following a break-up compared to when they remained in the same relationship.” The study also determined the more intertwined a couples’ life is, the more distress they will have should the relationship end. The most important finding in my opinion was the result that the quality of the relationship was found to affect life satisfaction following a break up.

 

The best predictors for whether a decline in mental health will occur following a break up is largely based on the individual’s preexisting conditions as well as their attachment to their partner. For individuals preparing to spend the rest of their lives with someone, it is important to make sure there are healthy boundaries and good communication. This will reduce the possibility of divorce and reduce the number of heartbroken individuals in our community. I encourage all engaged couples to seek counsel, either from their ministry or local clinician, to make sure the major issues are discussed prior to marriage.

 

Survival Roles in a Dysfunctional Family

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Humans seem to have an affinity for labeling things in order to better understand them. Ideally when we understand better, we become more satisfied with our own existence. Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse (1989) helped the world by finding accurate words to describe roles we take on in order to protect our-self in a chemically addicted family. These same roles can be attributed to various dysfunctional families even where abuse or neglect does not appear present on the surface. Each generation has taboos that permeate the masses. One constant that can be multi-generational are the dysfunctional attributes created in an environment where one is not speak their mind, not taught how to express emotions, and crave attention from emotionally unavailable parent(s). The four survival roles Cruse mentions include the hero child, the scapegoat, lost child, and mascot or clown.

 

 

The hero child can be any age but carries certain characteristics and feel compelled to rescue the other misguided members of the family. A young hero can be a seven year old cooking their own breakfast, waking mom or dad up, and protecting other siblings from the physical or emotional abuse of their parents by carrying the weight of abuse on their shoulders. A teenage hero oftentimes will make good grades at school, be a star athlete, or even hold down a part time job well balancing household responsibilities. The hero may continue rescuing others into adulthood as family members may need rescuing from abusive relationships, financial problems, or emotional turmoil.

 

 

The scapegoat child gets the blame for everything that has ever gone wrong in the family. When all of the dishes are dirty and none of the laundry is clean, it is the scapegoat’s fault for not taking out the trash…Not a lot of logic there but then there is not a lot of logic in an unhealthy home. The scapegoat may steal, lie, fight with peers, or get suspended for various things. This allows the family to focus their negative attention in one place and keeps the child alive because they serve as a distraction to the unhealthy system in place.

 

 

The lost child might be the middle child, or it may just be the child who chooses another reality. No, not literally, but a fantasy world of video games may be safer than the real violence or neglect in the family. In a video game no one judges grades, housework, or yells for no reason. The players in a game can earn experience, health, intelligence, endurance, strength, dexterity, and/or willpower. One can fight for the lives in one game or be a god with minions obeying their command in another. The lost child has learned silence shields them from being a part of the family drama. The family may label them as the “good but quiet” one because they do not cause trouble, but then they do not do much of anything in the regular world.

 

 

The mascot or clown child is characterized by being charming, care free, and can make anyone laugh. The child may be a class clown or the board member that provides comic relief in an otherwise stuffy workplace. The mascot child may know there are problems in the family, but not know the extent of the beatings, addiction, 2:00am screaming matches, neglect, or other affliction. They may appear delicate if any are allowed to see beneath the façade of their humor.

 

 

Each role keeps the family operating as a unit and keeps the child developing these characteristics safe. Any deviations from these roles can leave an adult child labeled as the “crazy” one and no longer welcome as part of the family unit. Usually when a an adult child is able to re-parent themselves and develop healthy, functional relationships with others, they can be rejected by immediate family members that want to remain in their self absorbed, blood stained, erratic existence. Comment with your story if you have survived a chemically addicted or dysfunctional family system and removed those defects of character developed in childhood.

Pre-martial and newlywed Counseling

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Too many individuals in our society are giving up on their relationships leading to a 50% divorce rate.

One common reason for divorce includes “irreconcilable differences.” Unless the other person is putting you or your loved ones in danger, then I bet those differences can be resolved. Whether people getting married are experiencing puppy love or companion love can make or break a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, puppy love can be so much fun and great way to start of a new bond,  but DO NOT get married during this time. Make sure you truly know the person you will be sharing the rest of your life with.

A few topics people fail to discuss prior to marriage include child rearing, relocating, career goals, retirement goals, finances, and deal breakers.

By making sure your relationship has empathy, unconditional love, and commitment, you will ensure a successful life long marriage.

Are you divorced? Comment with what you wish you knew about your partner before tying the knot.

Debunking Myths In Private Practice Continued

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The previous post was three big myths counselors and therapists run into when taking steps to make their private practice become a reality. Here are a couple more. Let me know if you have heard of any other myths by commenting.

 

Myth 4: A salary is the only way I can pay my bills.

 

The same amount of money at the same exact time every month is the norm many strive to attain. Personally, I would feel like a hamster getting a treat for going round and round on my wheel. The longer we work, the harder we work, and the more we truly love what we are doing, the easier it is to understand we are worth more than $40,000 a year. Yes, that is the median according to salary.com. Working for yourself, you will be paid by the service you provide. This means you must have both the confidence that you are worth $100 to $150 per session and the determination to expand beyond just counseling. I follow Dave Ramsey’s irregular income model to manage my finances. A great rule of thumb is to pay yourself only what your company profited in the previous month. For example, imagine making $5000 total last month, that means this month your available net income supposing %50 profit, would be $2500. This may sound similar to that $40K…except that it grows! Each month fluctuates and many clinicians have successful six figure businesses.

 

Myth 5: I would have to take out loans and when I fail, my situation will be worse.

 

This myth is best debunked with the famous adage “the borrower is slave to the lender.” Do not EVER borrow money because you cannot predict the future and you can damage your personal and business finances. Borrowing is a dangerous rabbit that will lead you down the rabbit hole which as Alice knows, is a tumultuous and scary place despite being riddled with colorful creatures. Then how does one get started?! The first step can be different for everyone. If you have an office space in mind, then while you are still employed save up three to six months of business expenses and open a business account. Business accounts at many financial locations are available for free, but they often want an EIN. You can obtain this for free from the IRS. It is important not to get stuck using your social security number in order to keep your personal one hundred percent separate from your personal life. One way that I think about it is that money saved for investing in my business and revenue earned does not belong to me, that money belongs to the company I own and must run as if someone else entrusted their assets be managed by the ethical and organized individual I am. Maybe you decided an office is too expensive until you have a few clients. In this case, finding clients is your first step and you will want to jump head first into marketing and networking. This is why transparency is extremely important. Never hide your intentions with your current employer and make it clear you will be working on development of your own practice.

If you are serious about making the transition to private practice and want a consultation, shoot me an email at katrinadragon@yahoo.com. If you already have a successful practice, comment with your tips for clinicians just beginning their journey of self employment.